Friday, August 17, 2012

The Aftermath

I've been pretty quiet for a long time. It seems that despite my best intentions, hopes, and dreams, I can't seem to build the motivation to share a recipe.

It's not personal, please understand. And I have been cooking, not to worry. 

It's just that since this tiny little cherub was thrust through my womb I am a little, how do you say, "off balance." It feels akin to being slammed against a wall, turned upside down and the entire contents of my home turned on their end and left with picture frames, rocking chairs, and small throw pillows littered willy nilly throughout my entire emotional and physical space.

There are moments, and hell -- let's just me honest, whole days, that I sort of 'forget' that I even really exist other than breastfeeding, changing, soothing, gurgling, and washing.

I really tried to be prepared, whatever the hell that means. I really have no idea how I could have done any better. I had the nursery ready, the diapers, wipes, and clothes in the right places, and my heart was set on having this sweet little baby.

Then he came and my home became unrecognizable. And after nearly four months it remains devastated and I stand without excuses in the rubble of my former self.
He laughs and my heart swells so big I think it might explode and he cries and it is the loudest saddest song I have ever endured. But when he sleeps, oh, when he sleeps, there is no better quiet.

Overwhelmed may be a good word to use here and feeling a little under qualified is another way to put it. But most of all I'm honored to have been chosen by this little cherub to serve as his mother for the rest of my days.  

I will find my footing again and share recipes and thoughts. I've even started blogs thinking that I would be posting a recipe, then found doing nothing and staring at the wall so much more apropos to the day's survival.
I am sending my love and light this morning as my new family sleeps. And I think I will join them in their quiet slumber.

I guess you can say I am still cleaning up my home. 

Patience... it truly is a virtue to behold. I appreciate yours and pray for my own daily.

Note: These were taken almost three and a half months ago. He has grown so much (see below)! And well, gosh, so have I.